Relationship Q&A

Wednesday night at Plugged-in we split up the guys and girls for a little Relationship Q&A. I told the girls I would answer their questions on my blog since we didn't finish. Feel free to add your input as a comment.

Should you be in a relationship with a Christian boy? If so, why? What’s the big deal?

If you’re a Christian, you shouldn’t date someone who isn’t a Christian. There are a couple of reasons why:

1) If the person you choose to date isn’t a Christian, they may not have the same standards and morals as you. They will bring you down. Dating someone to convince them to become a Christian doesn’t work either.

2) My parents always told me that you shouldn’t date someone you wouldn’t marry. If you’re going to take dating seriously, you need to be dating someone that you can one day connect with on a spiritual level.

Here’s the verse that we base our belief on in this issue:
Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 1 Corinthians 6:14

How long should you be in a relationship before marriage?
Should your parents approve of the man you’re dating? If so, why?

There’s not a specific amount of time that is the magical answer here. Here’s what I would tell you…marriage is a life long commitment and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Although many people divorce today, that’s not God’s plan and He didn’t design the marriage relationship to be broken.

Before marrying someone, you should be certain that the people in your life approve of that person. So, yes, I believe that your parents should approve of the man that you’re dating. In a way, they are accountable to God for the choices that you make. I also believe your friends should approve. If you find that most of the people who know you best don’t think the relationship is a good idea-listen to them. Sometimes love is blind and we can’t see what they see.

Also, if you’re in JH, you’re parents definitely need to have input in your dating life. Partly because they’re going to be the ones who drive you around and make it possible for you to see the person you’re dating. But also because they should still have a lot of say in what happens in your life. You shouldn’t be dating if you’re parents aren’t cool with that. And if they give you guidelines in dating, you need to obey them.


My mom has a new boyfriend who started living with us and he is not a Christian. And because of his beliefs she won’t come to church. And every week I beg my friends to come! What should I do?

Man that’s a hard situation! Don’t give up on your mom. Continue to ask both of them to come to church with you. Sit down with her and let her know how important it is to you. Remind her of the reasons why you go to church and why you want her there. You’ve still got to keep a level of respect with her, but it can’t hurt to ask. Continue to be obedient to her and through that you will show her the love of God. Even if you don’t see that it makes a difference, you can continue to pray for her and trust God to work in the situation.

What if all your closest friends have kissed a guy and you haven’t. And your boyfriend wants to kiss you. How do you say no when all your friends tell you that it is okay?

Stand strong in your convictions. Just choose to be different. If you’re not okay with it, don’t do it just because your friends/boyfriend thinks you should. You’re in a place that they’ll never be in again. A kiss should be your choice and at the right time…no one else can decide for you that it’s time. I’m proud of you for waiting until the right time.

Is it alright for your boyfriend to hit you if you deserve it?

First of all, you never deserve it. It hurts my heart that you would even think that you deserve that. Maybe people have told you otherwise or treated you as though that’s what you deserve, but you need to know and believe that you don’t deserve abuse in any form.

Secondly…NO it’s never okay for anyone to hit you…especially a boyfriend. If you’re dating a guy who hits you or thinks he has a right to hit you, I recommend getting out of that relationship ASAP. If it’s not something you think you can do on your own, please ask someone to help you.

What do you do when someone you know who you think is a good Christian guy asks you for naked pictures of yourself and asks to have sex with you?

Please, please don’t give in to something like that. There are a lot of guys who sell their image a squeaky clean Christians when in all reality they aren’t living that way. Then there are other guys who truly are striving to be Christ-like, but struggle with sexual temptation.

In a way, we girls have a responsibility to help our “Christian brothers” out in this area because it is such a temptation for all guys. You can help them out by dressing modestly, guarding your conversation topics with them, and by not being alone with them. It’s not your place to be his accountability partner, but you can let him know that you’re not interested, that you’re “not that kind of girl”, and that you didn’t know he was “that kind of guy”. If he truly is a “good Christian guy” it will be good for him to hear that from you.

What do you do if you were forced into doing something that you didn’t want to do?

If this happened to you, I’m so sorry. Don’t blame yourself. So many women who experience rape or sexual abuse keep it a secret because of shame. Know that God knows your heart and doesn’t hold you responsible for actions that were not your choice. I would encourage you to get help (immediately if possible). If you are raped or sexually abused, call the police and let an adult (usually a parent) know. I would recommend talking to someone at church and getting set up with a Christian counselor if it is something that is affecting you.

How do you redeem your sexual purity?

Just as with any other sin, you have to repent of it. Repent means that not only do you stop doing something, but you turn away from it. Ask God to forgive you. God doesn’t always remove the consequences of our sin (i.e. pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, knowledge of our poor choices), but He will forgive us. So…stop doing it. And start working against it. Ask a girl friend to hold you accountable to sexual purity-abstinence.

What is a purity ring? What is the point of it? Is it necessary to have one?

A purity ring is a ring that people wear as a symbol of a commitment that they have made to be sexually pure. Obviously, the ring itself doesn’t have any magical powers and doesn’t make you pure. It’s usually a reminder to people who have made that commitment to stay strong. Often it can serve as a conversation starter as well. No, you don’t have to have one to make this commitment. Just because someone doesn’t have a ring, doesn’t mean that they have had or are having sex. And just because someone does have a ring, doesn’t mean that they are remaining sexually pure.

How do you get over a guy that you dated for four months? And he keeps flirting with other girls and it bugs me kinda.

Okay so he’s my ex, but he’s a total Christian and when I talk to him I like him again and I talk to him a lot. What do I do?

Getting over guys has always been hard for me, but somehow God has always gotten me through those rough times. You have to choose to get over him. If you broke up, there’s probably a reason why you broke up. Remember that.

Don’t let yourself be consumed by him. Don’t call him or text him. Don’t re-read his texts. Don’t look at pictures of the two of you together. Don’t get yourself into a place where you’re crying yourself to sleep because you miss him. Allow yourself to forget some things because it’s healthy for you. Just live your life and focus on the good that has come from the break up. Use some of your extra time to spend time with God. Read the Bible, pray, memorize scripture. Not only will these things help fill the empty time, but they’ll also put your focus back where it needs to be.

Do things that are good for yourself and make you happy. Girls who are happy with their life are going to much more attractive as friends and girlfriends than those who are sulking about lost love all the time. It gets much easier with time. I promise.

On another note, it will be easier to get over someone when you don’t give your heart away. Since you’re in Junior High, you can expect that at some point you’re more than likely to break up with this person. Don’t tell them you love them. Love is something so special and so selfless that most of us can’t realize the true meaning of it until later on in life. Secondly, being physical with someone on any level will make it hard for you to get over them. God designed sex for marriage because it brings two people together on a very intimate level. The Bible literally refers to this as becoming “one flesh” after leaving one’s father and mother which implies marriage.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

I like this guy and he is perfect for my standards. He’s cute, a skater, big on Christ and respectful. Our schools separate us and we liked each other for a while. But because we can’t ever see each other, he let me go. And I can’t get him off my mind. I want to get him back without being un-lady-like. What do I do?

I know I keep saying this, but you’re in Junior High. This doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t real or that they don’t matter. They do…and they’re probably more intense at this point in your life. But let’s be honest, you were more than likely going to break up with this guy at some point anyway.

Now if this was a point later down the road this is what I would say. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you and will do whatever he can to make that happen. You said he let you go. And honestly it sounds like a rational decision considering the circumstances. It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone you can never see. Now you have to let him go. You say you want to be lady-like. Don’t be desperate.

I know that might sound harsh, but that’s the reality of it. Even though you may think that he’s “perfect for your standards”, it’s not possible for you guys to have a relationship right now. There’s probably more than one guy that would meet your standards.

Ok so when a boy tells you he thinks you’re cute and says he would go out with you WHILE he’s in a relationship with another girl then he breaks up with her and forgets about you and then finds another girl leaving you broken hearted. What do you do?

First of all…HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER GIRL WHILE HE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU! That should have been your first clue that this wasn’t going to work.

Here’s what you do…read what I wrote above about getting over a guy. And then, learn from this experience. Don’t go after someone else’s boyfriend and don’t trust someone else’s boyfriend when he flirts with you. You’re asking for heartache when you entertain this type of relationship. And, you’re setting yourself up for bad habits which mimic adultery and can lead to problems later in life. Look for a different kind of guy and be thankful that this one didn’t cause you anymore heartache than he did.