Singly Selfish

Last week I read "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition".

A lot of people including me, read this book wondering "What is my love language?" We're so obsessed with self-help and personal improvement. We want to know "How do I receive love?" and how should other people be loving me, but truly that's not the point of this book. Over and over again, Dr. Chapman draws the reader away from a selfish look at love to a lesson in chosen sacrifice.

This snippet from his love languages website sums it up:

Jesus taught an important lesson about relationships. Essentially, what He
said is that if any of us tries to improve a relationship by getting the other
person to change (working hard to get the speck out of the other person’s eye),
energies are being expended in the wrong direction. The place to begin is with
our own failures (the plank or beam in one’s own eye).

Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for
yourself. Most of us do many things each day that do not come “naturally” for
us. For some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning...And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions preceded our emotions. The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of [someone we love] and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. You might not love the language itself, but speaking it will clearly communicate love. Love is a choice. And either [person] can start the process today.

Love is not about knowing what we need from other people. It's not about making sure we're comfortable or getting our way. It's about learning how to love others in the way that they need to be loved...even those that we may not get along with.

I've been learning a lot about my selfishness lately...and I think a lot of it comes from my singleness (not being married). On an average day, the only person I really have to worry about pleasing is myself. I eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. I don't like being told what to do because I'm my own person. In a way, I think I'm entitled to this...as though it's the reward I get for still being single or something. When someone else comes into the equation and messes up my plan, I feel that they are inconveniencing me. I sound awfully selfish, don't I? But that's the truth and that's one of the many things that God's working on in me.

I'm learning love-not just romantic love, but a love for family, friends, and co-workers. This book really challenged me to pay attention to the way people around me respond to certain gestures of love and I've been secretly studying a few people in my life over the past week. But if you want, you can help me out by letting me know your love language. You can take this 30-second assessment or search the internet for a version of the love language assessment. And of course, all of the love language books include the assessment. You should read one if you get a chance!