Relationship Q&A

Wednesday night at Plugged-in we split up the guys and girls for a little Relationship Q&A. I told the girls I would answer their questions on my blog since we didn't finish. Feel free to add your input as a comment.

Should you be in a relationship with a Christian boy? If so, why? What’s the big deal?

If you’re a Christian, you shouldn’t date someone who isn’t a Christian. There are a couple of reasons why:

1) If the person you choose to date isn’t a Christian, they may not have the same standards and morals as you. They will bring you down. Dating someone to convince them to become a Christian doesn’t work either.

2) My parents always told me that you shouldn’t date someone you wouldn’t marry. If you’re going to take dating seriously, you need to be dating someone that you can one day connect with on a spiritual level.

Here’s the verse that we base our belief on in this issue:
Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 1 Corinthians 6:14

How long should you be in a relationship before marriage?
Should your parents approve of the man you’re dating? If so, why?

There’s not a specific amount of time that is the magical answer here. Here’s what I would tell you…marriage is a life long commitment and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Although many people divorce today, that’s not God’s plan and He didn’t design the marriage relationship to be broken.

Before marrying someone, you should be certain that the people in your life approve of that person. So, yes, I believe that your parents should approve of the man that you’re dating. In a way, they are accountable to God for the choices that you make. I also believe your friends should approve. If you find that most of the people who know you best don’t think the relationship is a good idea-listen to them. Sometimes love is blind and we can’t see what they see.

Also, if you’re in JH, you’re parents definitely need to have input in your dating life. Partly because they’re going to be the ones who drive you around and make it possible for you to see the person you’re dating. But also because they should still have a lot of say in what happens in your life. You shouldn’t be dating if you’re parents aren’t cool with that. And if they give you guidelines in dating, you need to obey them.


My mom has a new boyfriend who started living with us and he is not a Christian. And because of his beliefs she won’t come to church. And every week I beg my friends to come! What should I do?

Man that’s a hard situation! Don’t give up on your mom. Continue to ask both of them to come to church with you. Sit down with her and let her know how important it is to you. Remind her of the reasons why you go to church and why you want her there. You’ve still got to keep a level of respect with her, but it can’t hurt to ask. Continue to be obedient to her and through that you will show her the love of God. Even if you don’t see that it makes a difference, you can continue to pray for her and trust God to work in the situation.

What if all your closest friends have kissed a guy and you haven’t. And your boyfriend wants to kiss you. How do you say no when all your friends tell you that it is okay?

Stand strong in your convictions. Just choose to be different. If you’re not okay with it, don’t do it just because your friends/boyfriend thinks you should. You’re in a place that they’ll never be in again. A kiss should be your choice and at the right time…no one else can decide for you that it’s time. I’m proud of you for waiting until the right time.

Is it alright for your boyfriend to hit you if you deserve it?

First of all, you never deserve it. It hurts my heart that you would even think that you deserve that. Maybe people have told you otherwise or treated you as though that’s what you deserve, but you need to know and believe that you don’t deserve abuse in any form.

Secondly…NO it’s never okay for anyone to hit you…especially a boyfriend. If you’re dating a guy who hits you or thinks he has a right to hit you, I recommend getting out of that relationship ASAP. If it’s not something you think you can do on your own, please ask someone to help you.

What do you do when someone you know who you think is a good Christian guy asks you for naked pictures of yourself and asks to have sex with you?

Please, please don’t give in to something like that. There are a lot of guys who sell their image a squeaky clean Christians when in all reality they aren’t living that way. Then there are other guys who truly are striving to be Christ-like, but struggle with sexual temptation.

In a way, we girls have a responsibility to help our “Christian brothers” out in this area because it is such a temptation for all guys. You can help them out by dressing modestly, guarding your conversation topics with them, and by not being alone with them. It’s not your place to be his accountability partner, but you can let him know that you’re not interested, that you’re “not that kind of girl”, and that you didn’t know he was “that kind of guy”. If he truly is a “good Christian guy” it will be good for him to hear that from you.

What do you do if you were forced into doing something that you didn’t want to do?

If this happened to you, I’m so sorry. Don’t blame yourself. So many women who experience rape or sexual abuse keep it a secret because of shame. Know that God knows your heart and doesn’t hold you responsible for actions that were not your choice. I would encourage you to get help (immediately if possible). If you are raped or sexually abused, call the police and let an adult (usually a parent) know. I would recommend talking to someone at church and getting set up with a Christian counselor if it is something that is affecting you.

How do you redeem your sexual purity?

Just as with any other sin, you have to repent of it. Repent means that not only do you stop doing something, but you turn away from it. Ask God to forgive you. God doesn’t always remove the consequences of our sin (i.e. pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, knowledge of our poor choices), but He will forgive us. So…stop doing it. And start working against it. Ask a girl friend to hold you accountable to sexual purity-abstinence.

What is a purity ring? What is the point of it? Is it necessary to have one?

A purity ring is a ring that people wear as a symbol of a commitment that they have made to be sexually pure. Obviously, the ring itself doesn’t have any magical powers and doesn’t make you pure. It’s usually a reminder to people who have made that commitment to stay strong. Often it can serve as a conversation starter as well. No, you don’t have to have one to make this commitment. Just because someone doesn’t have a ring, doesn’t mean that they have had or are having sex. And just because someone does have a ring, doesn’t mean that they are remaining sexually pure.

How do you get over a guy that you dated for four months? And he keeps flirting with other girls and it bugs me kinda.

Okay so he’s my ex, but he’s a total Christian and when I talk to him I like him again and I talk to him a lot. What do I do?

Getting over guys has always been hard for me, but somehow God has always gotten me through those rough times. You have to choose to get over him. If you broke up, there’s probably a reason why you broke up. Remember that.

Don’t let yourself be consumed by him. Don’t call him or text him. Don’t re-read his texts. Don’t look at pictures of the two of you together. Don’t get yourself into a place where you’re crying yourself to sleep because you miss him. Allow yourself to forget some things because it’s healthy for you. Just live your life and focus on the good that has come from the break up. Use some of your extra time to spend time with God. Read the Bible, pray, memorize scripture. Not only will these things help fill the empty time, but they’ll also put your focus back where it needs to be.

Do things that are good for yourself and make you happy. Girls who are happy with their life are going to much more attractive as friends and girlfriends than those who are sulking about lost love all the time. It gets much easier with time. I promise.

On another note, it will be easier to get over someone when you don’t give your heart away. Since you’re in Junior High, you can expect that at some point you’re more than likely to break up with this person. Don’t tell them you love them. Love is something so special and so selfless that most of us can’t realize the true meaning of it until later on in life. Secondly, being physical with someone on any level will make it hard for you to get over them. God designed sex for marriage because it brings two people together on a very intimate level. The Bible literally refers to this as becoming “one flesh” after leaving one’s father and mother which implies marriage.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

I like this guy and he is perfect for my standards. He’s cute, a skater, big on Christ and respectful. Our schools separate us and we liked each other for a while. But because we can’t ever see each other, he let me go. And I can’t get him off my mind. I want to get him back without being un-lady-like. What do I do?

I know I keep saying this, but you’re in Junior High. This doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t real or that they don’t matter. They do…and they’re probably more intense at this point in your life. But let’s be honest, you were more than likely going to break up with this guy at some point anyway.

Now if this was a point later down the road this is what I would say. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you and will do whatever he can to make that happen. You said he let you go. And honestly it sounds like a rational decision considering the circumstances. It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone you can never see. Now you have to let him go. You say you want to be lady-like. Don’t be desperate.

I know that might sound harsh, but that’s the reality of it. Even though you may think that he’s “perfect for your standards”, it’s not possible for you guys to have a relationship right now. There’s probably more than one guy that would meet your standards.

Ok so when a boy tells you he thinks you’re cute and says he would go out with you WHILE he’s in a relationship with another girl then he breaks up with her and forgets about you and then finds another girl leaving you broken hearted. What do you do?

First of all…HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER GIRL WHILE HE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU! That should have been your first clue that this wasn’t going to work.

Here’s what you do…read what I wrote above about getting over a guy. And then, learn from this experience. Don’t go after someone else’s boyfriend and don’t trust someone else’s boyfriend when he flirts with you. You’re asking for heartache when you entertain this type of relationship. And, you’re setting yourself up for bad habits which mimic adultery and can lead to problems later in life. Look for a different kind of guy and be thankful that this one didn’t cause you anymore heartache than he did.

New Girls' Ministry Book!

God has clearly ordered so many steps along the path of my ministry journey. One particular confirmation step came a few years ago when I had the privilege and honor to work under the direction of Jimmie Davis, Director of Girls' Ministry at First Baptist Spartanburg, SC. Mrs. Jimmie has been such an inspiration and encouragement to me, and I was truly blessed to have this opportunity as a part of my journey into the world of girls' ministry.

Mrs. Jimmie and Mr. Sam

In 2007, Lifeway published Jimmie's Girls' Ministry Handbook. It's a great book that I've referred to many times. I just found out yesterday that Jimmie has a new book that came out on May 1st called the Girls' Ministry Idea Book . I can't wait to go buy it!

If your looking for this or some other girls' ministry resources, you can check out the girls' resources page at Lifeway.com.

From Project ME to Project Runway

Although it's been about two weeks since the event. I wanted to report that Project ME was a success! We had 80 girls and 40 leaders who showed up for the night. We all had a lot of fun, but only a little sleep. Here's a highlight video that Gayle put together for us.

After the lock-in I spent a couple of days on the couch catching up on some rest an a whole season of Project Runway.

I finished about 12 hours of Project Runway as I laid on the couch recovering from the lock-in and nursing a pretty intense backache. After a sleepless night of pain, a sick stomach, and a visit to the doctor, I was told that I probably had a muscle injury and needed to keep taking advil and using a heating pad. Two weeks later...I'm not 100%, but I'm tons better.



I'm back in the game and gearing up for BR 09! I've been processing applications all week long and finally made it to the bottom of the stack yesterday. We're planning to take 500 JH students and adults to Beach Retreat at South Padre Island on June 14th-19th. More to come about Beach Retreat...

Project ME

I'm so excited that Project ME is this Saturday night! It's a Junior High Girls Lock-in with a purpose in mind. The purpose is to help girls see that they were not only created, but specially designed by God. So many girls (and women for that matter) don't realize their worth...and a lot of the struggle with self-worth begins in Junior High. I wanted to plan a night that would help these girls see themselves as God sees them.

The planning for this event has been going on in my brain for quite some time. I wanted a way to incorporate our small group leaders and some of our high school girls into an all-girls event. And since we're talking about Junior High girls, what better way to pull this off than to host a sleepover, right?

The girls will be divided up into the same small groups that they meet in on Sunday mornings and any new students will be assigned to a group. All of the group names are design prints like zebra print, stripes, gingham, paisley, and polka dots.

During the lock-in, each girl will be designing a unique project of her own using fabric or paper with her groups' print. Some girls will be decoupaging and hot-gluing while others are painting and glittering. Then we'll take a look at what God's Word has to say about how He created us and what He has designed us for. Girls will be challenge to look at themselves and others in a different way. They will reflect on the projects they've created and think about themselves as God's special creation.

Following our small group time, we'll be creating another project: ice cream sundaes, individually hand-crafted by the girls. Then the girls will choose from a few free time activities like nail painting, hip hop dancing, or shooting some hoops. After they've burned off some energy and are coming down off of their sugar high, we'll settle down for a movie (and hopefully they will all fall asleep-I know this isn't reality, but I'm hoping).

Sunday morning, we'll wake up for some doughnuts and cereal (and coffee for the leaders). Project ME will conclude after Bible Study. This will give our new girls a chance to experience our Sunday morning program and allow our regulars to welcome them to the small group time.

If you're a 7th or 8th grade girl, or know a girl who would like to sign up for Project ME, it's not too late. Just download the form from our website. And bring it to Second Baptist West Campus with $15 on Saturday night. Check-in is at 8:00 pm...see you then!

Project ME

Project ME

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An Empty Spot in the Day

Normally at this time on Mondays, I'm running around making sure I have all the supplies I need for the 7th Grade Girls' Bible Study. I felt a little sad today realizing that I wasn't going to hang out with the girls because we wrapped up our study last week. Although we're done for the semester, we’re planning on picking this group back up next year.

On the last day I asked the girls to give me their feedback about the Bible Study. I asked them to let me know their favorite part, least favorite part, and if they'd do it again.

This is what some of them said:

"My favorite things was learning that boys aren't everything, and that God
is my one true love."

"I would definitely do this again because I'm not only learning more about
God...I'm doing it with my friends!"

"The Secret of Self-Worth was my favorite lesson because it taught me that
I am worth something."

"This was amazing and changed some parts of my life. I would LOVE to
do this again."

"I would so do it again, I would want to learn about getting friends to
come to know Christ."

God truly must have blessed anything that came out of my mouth, because I can assure you it was nothing profound when I was forming it. For the most part, their only complaints about the study were that they had to walk from school, that the lessons were too short, and that they were sad it was ending.

To be honest, any success of this study had very little to do with me. The girls created the buzz and brought their friends. I'm so proud of the way they committed to the study every week. We had a consistent group of about 18-26 girls over the 8 weeks, most of them brought their Bibles, and all of them participated in the conversations.

It touches my heart to know that this study made a difference in several of these girls' lives. I loved getting to know them and can't wait to do this again next year.

Still Unpacking...

Our Junior High Ministry went on a mission trip to Biloxi, Mississippi for Spring Break...it's two weeks later and I'm still unpacking.

Yesterday, as I was going through one of my bags, I found a list that I made on the bus ride home. We had each of the students on our bus share one word to sum up their favorite part of the trip. This is what they said:

• Acceptance
• Worship
• Roof
• Jesus
• Helping
• Mall
• Praising
• Growth
• Sleep
• Joy
• Shopping
• Snuggles
• Water
• Moose
• Michael
• Sprayed
• Everything
• Kenny
• Serving
• Changes
• Shrimp
• Basketball
• Hammering
• Patience
• Bus
• Friendship
• Food
• Work
• Tater-tots
• Laughter
• Teamwork

It's funny to see how each student took away something different from this trip. While some of these things were silly, a few of them were deep. Whether it's a fun memory that allows a student to feel like a part of the group, or a life changing moment that impacts them forever, it's worth it.

One thing I took away from this trip was the feeling of a "youth group" that is often missing in a large student ministry. It was nice to connect with a small group of students and see them interact with and encourage each other. I have so many memories of silly, embarrasing, and life changing moments from the trips that my youth group took together when I was their age. I'm happy to see them having the same kind of experiences.

So while I'm still unpacking my luggage, I hope that their still unpacking the memories and lessons they learned on Spring Break '09. And I'm off to do some more laundry!